Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
