so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
