My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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