I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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