my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My vagina is officially offended.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
