I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
