You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
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