Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize