walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it was like eating out sand paper
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
