I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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