2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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