Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
