I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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