i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
