Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
