im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
did i walk over a car last night?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
