Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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