i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
