Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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