my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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