I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it glows. i had to have it.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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