Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
