I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
