then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
