The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
