You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
