Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
