I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
