So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you didnt know i had herpes?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
