when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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