I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
