I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
