You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
