the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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