Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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