if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
