god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
