We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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