I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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