My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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