last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
