you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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