I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize