Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
