i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
