Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
