walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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