I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize