i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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