Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
