I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
