I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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