You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
