Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
