I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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