I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
