Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
